Rotating Sushi and Emotions

I want to be the one in transit.

Maybe it is just “you may like someone but not when you move in with them”.

I feel unsupported here. Simple things that I enjoy are frequently being bashed and dismissed by my one home thread here. I am walking on eggshells. I have to be terribly cautious when having conversations with her. I cannot bring up anything that really means anything to me because I can’t tell if she will feel the same about it and if not it will get a verbal attack. And not in a discussable/debatable way, but it a loud, matter of fact, not open to discussion “God, That is so STUPID. What are you thinking!” way. I try to brush it off but I’ve started noticing how much it bothers me as I meet people who are more like me and who appreciate the same things I do. I don’t think she realizes it. She doesn’t seem see the beauty in some kinds of individualistic behavior and small everyday things. She doesn’t seem to understand small pleasures. Or maybe she sees different ones that I see. It makes me wonder if she has just never noticed the beauty or no one has pointed it out to her. I am stuck I don’t want to speak up about it necessary because I could see her getting offended and it creating a rift between us. That would almost be equally bad for me because I could potentially lose the one friend that I have here and descend deeper into my loneliness. I do feel like I need her to be here- frankly I have no choice anyways, we share a bedroom and most of our supplies for class. But I often feel exhausted and downhearted and without my pick-me-ups after I am with her. Is it worth it? Negative companionship vs. no companionship and possibly hostile living circumstances. I don’t know what to do. I have met other people here that I quite like but they are all coming through in transit. They all live in main Europe. I realize the answer is to get out and meet people, and I have, but none of the caliber and quality of you all at home. You’ve all spoiled me with your good hearts, good humor and good sense.

Second to this battle, I am having my all too often “fly away” instinct. I do not have my usual passion for school here like I have at home. I frankly don’t care about it and if I could leave it right now, mid-project without serious consequences, I would.

Tell me some stories… When did you notice the beauty?

Need more be said...

Well, actually yes. As I am browsing back through my posts I've realized I am not posting enough so I will try to pick it up alittle.

I feel like I am becoming more normal finally. For the past few weeks I have been on an emotional rollercoaster, dealing with being away from my comforts and struggling with loneliness. I have developed a habit of making friends with people who don't live in the UK and have yet to befriend any London dwellers. School is starting to wear on me and I am anxious to move on to other projects. Things are looking up though; at least I am starting to make some friends and get out and do things. The weather is starting to show promises of spring to come and I feel like my spending is starting to level off a little. If anyone know of any good bands planning a show in London please let me know. I know The Arcade Fire is playing but the show is sold out (boo).

The Best from Brixton

Thank you so much to Saturday Looks Good To Me and Speedmarket Avenue for making two of my nights and one morning totally awesome. Your shows were amazing and your companionship/conversation equally fantastic! Have a great final show in Bath.

The B&Q

This is pink Camo tank. This is in the middle of London suburbia.

The Land of Cranes

I HAVE INTERNET!

Good gracious, I have been unwired all week and finally I am back online! Yay!

Alright, last Friday, my good friend Kathryn came to visit from France till Tuesday. We had a blast exploring the city, site seeing, eating bad fish and chips, scoping out cool clubs, and ended it all with an awesome show – Speedmarket Avenue and Saturday Looks Good To Me. Having her here really normalized me and I feel rejuvenated.

Saturday Looks Good To Me

This week was midterm week. The British grading system is scary if you are not used to it. I received a whopping 63%. Fortunately, that qualifies as a “B”. Truly, the hardest part about school here is navigating my instructor’s expectations. I am often finding out what I was expected to be doing after the fact. I think next semester will be more fluid being that I will have better understanding of this school system.

This weekend I have cooped myself up to get some work done on my big project. I have three weeks to make it runway ready for the fashion show. I haven’t started sewing yet. I feel a week of all-nighters on the horizon. One thing I do really like about school here is the ten-week semester. I often get bored and tired of a class halfway through with the 16 week semesters in Kzoo.

So that is an update. Happy Valentines day!

Mai Tai

I’ve been noticing this strange change in me since I have been in London. I often catch myself really wanting to hide into the crowds and blend in. I have never felt this way at home. I have always desired to be interesting to look at. To stick out a little. Not here. I noticed it heavily at the club tonight. I had to leave because the feeling was so strong, like my self-consciousness was growing by the second.

The Button Man

I am sorry I haven’t posted more on how cool it is to live in London. I don’t feel like I am living in London. I haven’t seen the London Tower, or Buckingham Palace, or the Bridge or anything. I haven’t had the time recently but I will learn to be a proper tourist before I leave. I promise. I must say, though, either I look like I belong here or everyone who lives in London is constantly a target for lost tourist related questions. I would say I am asked where something is by a person holding a map at least once every day. Every Day since I have been here. And what is really awkward is the one I get asked most often; being asked where the British Museum is by someone who IS British and then seeing them be all shamefaced about asking an American directions to one of their own national treasures.

For my weekly dose of home: Tonight is ice cream and Desperate Housewives night. Yay!